One summer night in center city Philadelphia, an early 20-something year old woman climbed her fire escape to get some fresh air. There she met an apparently charming young man named Eugene.
They made sweet love that night––the kind of love only a married woman and a 20-something year old man who was secretly 16 could make.
Eugene became my great-grandfather that night.
Fast forward 52 years later to 1993 and Eugene pops up in the Associated Press and Daily News under the headline "Gambling gramps runs out of luck in toy-gun stickup."
You see, in '89 Eugene stumbled into a casino in Atlantic City, thought "fuck it," and dropped in 75 cents. He won $107,000.
By '93, Eugene had nothing left after gambling it all away. Not only did he lose his hundred grand, but he also put himself $28,000 in debt after opening 30 credit cards.
But that didn't stop him from wanting to gamble. His wife Gertrude, however, refused to let him gamble away the last of their savings. Pissed, Eugene stomped off, only to trip over his grandkid's plastic toy pistol.
"Fuck it," he figured, "this looks real enough."
The next day Eugene showed up at a Chase Manhattan Bank in Long Island. He went straight up to the bank teller, quickly flashed his plastic cowboy pistol, and shouted, "This is a bank holdup! I want your money!"
The teller gave him $20,000 in a brown paper bag and Eugene fucking booked it.
As he was running out of the bank, a security device in the bag exploded, covering both him and the money with red dye.
He drove his pickup back to his house only to find the police waiting for him. He improvised an escape route and drove away, to the nearest…school.
Now listen, while Eugene had quite the cojones, he was still a 68 year old diabetic that weighed 280 pounds. His next move––jumping out of his pickup and running straight up a hill away from the cops––was not his brightest.
Halfway up the hill, poor Eugene collapsed, shouting, "I'm having a heart attack!"
He was promptly arrested and taken to a hospital. The doctors told the cops that Eugene had not in fact suffered a heart attack.
But that didn't stop him from showing up to his court arraignment a few days later in a wheelchair and hospital gown.